The more I think about things between us, past and present, I am beginning to see the ways in which our lives are becoming one life and the more we fight its movement, the more acute the awareness becomes; the terrifying and sometimes so overcoming realization of our now and here, and this, comes on so strongly that we forget that two rivers running along side one another most always converge. Their colors meld and their salts and soils turn into one shade of the murkiest brown. We forget that the water is perpetually rolling over itself toward the sea, where we set out to a place where the sky once was, now only separated by the slightest of color. Rolling on into darkness.
Fighting is so much harder on us, but we do it because we are scared to drown. Drowning is suffocating with water and the experts say it is more painful than burning alive, so why shouldn't we be scared? Why shouldn't we fight to get to the banks instead of being sucked down into the moving silt and mud to suffocate in a place we cannot see or understand? We are not catfish, but people. Two incredibly scared people on the verge of drowning at the hands of a merciless movement toward a sea of unknowing and endlessness. Darkness.
Today I have a very different thought about it though.
I want to drown.
I want to let go and tumble underwater at the hands of two rivers converged, feeling the momentum gather strength as they entangle waters, tearing at the land beside, cutting through the earth like the knife that carved creation out of a single block. I want to open my mouth and let the water go down into my lungs where it will fill up every inch of space, every breath of air exhaled into the muddy water. I want them to explode.
Because then I can finally sleep without worrying so much that I'd drown. I will have already done it.
And the best part, the moving part of it, is that I know I won't be alone.
You are just as much a part as the river as me and there is nothing more comforting than the thought of drowning in your water, entangled in it, the mud composed of soil from the entirety of our lives separate - now thrown together into one. Just drowned and quiet, flowing toward the sea, letting the river take us where we need to go before we get there. Really breathing in the water deep into our lungs.
I cannot wait to drown with you.
I can see our rivers converging just ahead.
The thought is so pleasing that nobody would mistake my emotion to be anything less than peacefully content. Alive with the thought of dying at an old age with you.
I love you in ways you cannot know because they are so much apart of me that I cannot tell them from one another, nor explain them for that very reason.
Drown with me.
Fighting is so much harder on us, but we do it because we are scared to drown. Drowning is suffocating with water and the experts say it is more painful than burning alive, so why shouldn't we be scared? Why shouldn't we fight to get to the banks instead of being sucked down into the moving silt and mud to suffocate in a place we cannot see or understand? We are not catfish, but people. Two incredibly scared people on the verge of drowning at the hands of a merciless movement toward a sea of unknowing and endlessness. Darkness.
Today I have a very different thought about it though.
I want to drown.
I want to let go and tumble underwater at the hands of two rivers converged, feeling the momentum gather strength as they entangle waters, tearing at the land beside, cutting through the earth like the knife that carved creation out of a single block. I want to open my mouth and let the water go down into my lungs where it will fill up every inch of space, every breath of air exhaled into the muddy water. I want them to explode.
Because then I can finally sleep without worrying so much that I'd drown. I will have already done it.
And the best part, the moving part of it, is that I know I won't be alone.
You are just as much a part as the river as me and there is nothing more comforting than the thought of drowning in your water, entangled in it, the mud composed of soil from the entirety of our lives separate - now thrown together into one. Just drowned and quiet, flowing toward the sea, letting the river take us where we need to go before we get there. Really breathing in the water deep into our lungs.
I cannot wait to drown with you.
I can see our rivers converging just ahead.
The thought is so pleasing that nobody would mistake my emotion to be anything less than peacefully content. Alive with the thought of dying at an old age with you.
I love you in ways you cannot know because they are so much apart of me that I cannot tell them from one another, nor explain them for that very reason.
Drown with me.
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